No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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