I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
