We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When did we convert life to cartoon?
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Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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