she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
