ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
