i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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