By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
