Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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