my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
