If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We need to rekindle our bromance
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
