Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There was a lot of him and a little penis
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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