I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
