I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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