the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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