i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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