It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
