I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
