So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
