my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
