The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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