Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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