apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
