Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
