I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
