11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
