Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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