We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
