He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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