"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
