8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
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I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
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I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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