Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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