So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
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I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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