i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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