Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
