he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
