He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
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His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
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I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
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