The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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