I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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