Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
