I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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