My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
