Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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