words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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