Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
