I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
