I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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