my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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