I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
