I skipped work to stalk him.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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