Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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