so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
