I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
