Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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