I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
