I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
