all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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