They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
