At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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