We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
