1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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