Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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