You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
