it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
